Audio By Carbonatix
Dear Mexican: My wife and I have an argument going on about
pirates. And since you’re the source for all things Mexican, I thought
I’d ask: While I know there were Spanish and Portuguese pirates back in
the early 1600s and 1700s, were there ever any MEXICAN pirates? Not
pirates from Spain who pirated in Mexico, but real
honest-to-Jesus Mexican pirates! Would be
interesting to know!
—Pirates Pat McGroin and The Right Reverend One Eye
Dear Gabachos: It depends on what your definition of “pirate”
is. If you’re looking for a famous swashbuckler from the days of
Blackbeard, tough tamales: Historians never bothered to glorify the
numerous buccaneers who ransacked Spanish galleons laden with the gold
and silver of Mexican mines off the Mexican coast. The most famous
Mexican pirate was Fermin Mundaca, who operated a contraband empire
from the island of Islas Mujeres off the coast of Quintana Roo during
the mid-1800s—but Mundaca was a Spanish native. Why look back in
the past, though, when so many Mexican pirates exist in the present?
Piratería is as Mexican an industry as tortilla-making
and immigrant-smuggling: the International Federation of Phonographic
Industry, an international organization that fights music piracy
worldwide, estimates Mexicans make more than $220 million off of
illegal CDs, most sold at the nearest swap meet, bodega or taco truck
near you.
Do Mexicans get annoyed that whenever a Hollywood movie calls for
a Mexican character actor, Cheech Marin gets the job? This is great for
Cheech, but must be bad for Mexican actors struggling to land a good
part in Hollywood. Danny Trejo gets the badass roles, Antonio Banderas
gets the leading man roles, and character roles go to Cheech (in case
of a small budget, maybe Tommy Chong, but he’s cast more for being an
old stoner than Mexican). With the blooming careers of truly great
Mexican directors Alfonso Cuarón and Guillermo del Toro, don’t
you think Hollywood should give some other Mexicans a chance in the
limelight? Cheech is already rich—let someone else have a slice
of the pie!
—Celluloid Culero
Dear Gabacho: No argument, except Tommy Chong and Antonio
Banderas ain’t Mexican!
If we stereotype a person by drawing attention to the fact that
someone is Mexican instead of the content of their actions, why do
minority cultures celebrate the very fact that, say, Mexicans fought
for certain types of rights? Aren’t they stereotyping themselves by
doing so? If I did the same thing as a white person, I’d be considered
racist. So, why aren’t you considered racist as well?
—14/88
Dear Gabacho: I’ve contestado many a silly question in
this column, but yours takes the pastel as the stupidest I’ve
answered. What Know Nothings such as yourself don’t understand is that
when minority groups struggle for civil rights, they’re merely calling
America on its founding bluff—you know, that whole “all men are
created equal” bullshit. So, when Mexican parents in Orange County in
the 1940s sued four school districts for segregating Mexican kiddies
away from gabachitos, the parents didn’t do it just to benefit
wabs; the resulting lawsuit, Mendez vs. Westminster, served as a
precedent to the much-more-famous Brown vs. Board of Education.
When César Chávez marched and fasted for justice in the
fields, his ultimate causa was the same as European unionists at
the turn of the 20th century: a fair shake for the working man. When
millions march for amnesty for the undocumented, it’s a protest against
a hypocritical, Byzantine immigration system that entangles all
foreigners, not just Mexicans. Whites fighting for “white” rights only
shows how freaked some gabachos get about realizing that
minorities are finally being treated like Americans. If trying to
battle hate makes me a racist, then here’s a Roman salute to your face,
pendejo.
