Hot sauce packets I got with my order count: 10 Times I thought they might sell Canadian boner pills to me in a back room if I said the secret code word count: 2 When you walk up to Miss Chicken downtown on Elm Street, it looks like it might…
Ah, Dallas, the town with no history. Think about it: We tear down centuries-old buildings so we can erect temples built of fake bricks and paper-thin sheetrock. We desecrate beautiful old churches by cramming them full of rock memorabilia, and then we tear down the church. We pick and choose…
I planned out a vacation. It was an ambitious world tour touching down in various European, Mediterranean and South American countries. I would pack a wardrobe that would allow me to fluctuate a good 10 or 20 pounds, since my itinerary would be heavily food-focused. Then I calculated airfare, cat…
Tropicana Fruit Punch at the fountain count: 1 SMUchebag count: 5 Jersey Mike’s has a line out the door and zero parking. It also has a sub, drink and chips for less than 10 bucks, so I smoosh my Sucking Unleaded Vehicle into a motorcycle-sized spot and find a place…
Bolla is Italian for bull. Bolla is headed by Bull—chef David Bull, fresh from the Driskill Hotel in Austin, youngest sous chef ever to whip and sauté at The Mansion, James Beard Award nominee, CIA grad, Food & Wine magazine Best New Chef (2003), Iron Chef gladiator. At Bolla, Bull…
Pig head shaped out of ground pork behind the meat counter count: 1 I went up to the counter in Jimmy’s Food Store, the lady asked me what I wanted, and I said, “I’ll take the Italian Stallion. 6-inch.” For a second I felt like I was ordering a man…
The soft cheese taco I got with the “Special Mexican Dinner” at El Fenix on McKinney Avenue in downtown Dallas a couple of months ago mystified me. It was stuffed with cheddar and onions like a cheese enchilada, but the tortilla was steamed instead of fried and covered with chile…
Think, for a moment, on these known establishments: Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n Waffles, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs, Katz’s Delicatessen, Cheesecake Factory. Consider, even, a lesser-known vendor with “taqueria” in the name. When faced with the “What’ll it be?” at these places, you don’t pussyfoot around the menu. You dive…
Tie count: 6 Diaper count: 2 Mom jeans count: 10 I was finishing the last three miles of my usual Wednesday 25-mile workout at LA Fitness, thinking about how it would really be worth it to get some fake boobs just so that I could hold my keys and my…
Mike Anderson’s BBQ 5410 Harry Hines Blvd. 214-630-0735 Cow skins hanging on the wall count: 2 People I mistakenly thought were setting up a joke when they were actually just asking the question “What do you think the difference between a Sloppy Joe and a Sloppy Mike is?” count: 1…
Brass balls. The first time I heard restaurateur Mark Brezinski, a founding partner of Tin Star and Pei Wei Asian Diner chains, was banking on the mainstreaming of Indian cuisine, I thought he must possess brass muskets. Attempting to Pei Wei Indian food is risky. Dallas, and most cities for…
Gui rests on history. This cubed structure on McKinney Avenue has slowly morphed, traversing cultures with global hybrids—some eventually dumbed down for your pleasure—simmering within. In mid-1990s it was Yellow, Avner Samuel’s I’m-here-again-gone-again-back-again eclectic global ingredient collage. Here you could savor beef sashimi (pre-wagyu) with pickled ginger and hijiki seaweed,…
Dollar Stores in the same shopping center: 2 Thrift stores in the same shopping center: 1 Other people with me who ordered the same food and had the same reaction: 2 Lesson: When you say, “I’d like the steak fingers,” and the waitress looks at you very seriously, and shaking…
The prettiest dishes at Café R&D aren’t coming out of the busy open kitchen; they’re posing around the oval stretch of bar, or curled into the deep booths at martini time. On a late spring evening, the kittens and cougars of the nearby Park Cities slink in before sundown to…
Crabs cheersing beer on the menu directly under “juniors get 1.00 off any lunch item” count: 2 A/C unit out count: 1 So, what are you supposed to do when you simultaneously get the urges to punch and hug one of the waitresses at Joe’s Crab Shack as she halfheartedly…
Ask any Dublin Dr Pepper bootlegger what the fuss is all about. They’ll tell you that the top-shelf, premier cru of Texas soda pop is selling for eight bucks a six-pack in some stores—when you can find it. Back in the 1970s, when soft-drink bottlers across the country began sweetening…
Gregory’s Restaurant is a loft-like establishment in an uppish urban two-story building of brick construction in a historic downtown—a split-level charm offensive. Large glass windows. Rooftop patio with French door portals. Cobblestone streets. Yet it’s in Plano. Fortifying the charm offensive is an earnest staff. A server waxes on proudly…
Indian chief statue count: 1 Eclipse gum packages I added to my meal so I could pay with my debit card: 1 Giant yellow indoor picnic table count: 2 When I go out to eat lunch, I don’t want to have to order from a spiral-bound menu with a bunch…
Padded ledges counting as seating: 4 Times my stomach punched me for not ordering fresh-squeezed papaya juice: 20 million I know three things about Venezuela: 1) It began as a small town, and because Syesha Mercado told it that if it believed in itself, it could do anything, it grew…
Medina Oven & Wine Bar is in Victory Park, so of course it is a restaurant with lounge-like accents. Nevertheless, there are no hookah pipes exhaling their fruity fume. There are no belly dancers oscillating their midriff folds like lapping shore waves, though a server admits the belly part is…
From early breakfast to late lunch, John’s Café doesn’t pretend to be anything but a neighborhood diner serving basic, filling meals with a few Greek offerings mixed in. There’s no pomp or circumstance and no bullshit. John’s is a quick, bustling grub hub happily settled on Lowest Greenville Avenue with…
Staff members with Bic pens jabbed into paper hats: 5 Minutes it took to find a parking spot within a three-mile radius: 10 As I walked into Bubba’s, I was so distracted by the wonderful smell of friedness that I barely got out the words, “I’ll have the Number Two.”…
